


One Red Rose

by Caidyn



Series: Love and Death [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, M/M, Marauders' Era, Second Wizarding War, first wizarding war
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-22
Updated: 2013-02-26
Packaged: 2017-12-03 05:55:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/694912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caidyn/pseuds/Caidyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius died at the hand of Bellatrix Lestrange, leaving Remus in pieces. This is an account of Remus Lupin moving through the years without Sirius.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. September 1980

A single red rose was grasped in the shaking hand of Remus Lupin, the petals quivering, as he walked into the cemetery. Grass went up to his ankles that were covered by long trousers, brushing gently against him. His sleeves were rolled up. Lately the weather had been summer-esque, meaning that him going about wearing things that covered him was a pain. The stem was tight in his grip. The grass rustled as he walked towards the fresh grave, looking down at the stone that still was a nice grey colored, one that reminded him of those damn eyes.

His own honey-brown ones closed as he knelt, unbidden tears slipping down his cheeks while he brushed them away with the back of his scarred hand. Those watery eyes opened to focus on the writing across it. Remus’s hand raised to run his fingers over the words he hadn’t even picked out. They were strange to him, completely unfitting for the man buried in the grave.

_Sirius Orion Black_  
 _Born October 7, 1959 – Died September 15, 1980_  
 _Beloved son, brother, and friend; he will be missed._

At the time of his death, Sirius hadn’t been speaking to his family. The war was thick, smothering the whole wizarding world with the constant news of new deaths and attacks on anything and everyone. Regulus was on the side of Voldemort, as were the man’s parents. He didn’t even know who picked the words out for the grave. Probably the man who hadn’t been able to get past the numbness Remus had felt at the time of picking out all the things that were needed for something like this.

The one thing that had been correct was the talk of friends. All were in mourning who had known him, James and Lily the most, himself included in that. James was mourning the loss of his friend while battling coping with a new child to take care of. Lily was simply doing her best to comfort both her friends and herself, despite how she’d never been too close to Sirius. Peter was oddly absent, had been for a while now. Honestly, Remus couldn’t blame him; the man had never truly been a part of anything with them except the monthly changes and making the Marauder’s map.

Beneath his fingers he could feel the engraving of Sirius’s name, making more tears slip down his cheeks as he sat there. The rose fell from his hands to cup his face. Sitting there, he sobbed, crying hard and not caring for once in his life what someone may think of him. His chest heaved up all the emotions that had been trapped there. Sirius hadn’t been gone long, but the effects of his passing were so strong that half the time Remus wasn’t sure if he was breathing.

“It’s been a week since you were killed,” he finally gasped out, removing a hand to rest on the dirt as he used that free hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. Again, he wiped away the tears that were coating his cheeks. “James said he didn’t want to come, claiming that it was too dreary for him. Typical, eh?” There was a pause as he seemed to wait for a reply from Sirius. When one didn’t come, he went on, “I don’t even know why I’m here. I’m talking to myself and you always told me that I look crazy when I talk to myself. I know you’re telling me to shut up wherever the hell you are.”

A shaky laugh crossed his lips before he had to pause from the tears clouding his view again. Remus sniffed, trying to suck back in it all now that the beast had been unleashed from within him. “I-I miss you. I really, really miss you. I keep thinking that I’m going to see you when I walk around at the flat, or that you’ll pull a book I’m reading out of my hand and tell me that we’re going somewhere, anywhere so I don’t get lost in a book and you have to entertain yourself for a few hours.”

Another laugh. Another brush across his cheeks.

“I brought this rose with me,” he murmured as he raised it weakly from where it had rested on the dirt. “You told me once that you loved red roses, so I thought to bring you one. I’m sorry that I always laughed whe-when you told me that you wanted one. I’m sorry that I never got you one.” This was his way of making the regret up, crying and trying to get forgiveness from something that couldn’t.

Tears plopped heavily to the dirt, darkening it and making those tell-tale marks to someone being there. He ran his fingers through the light brown hair that was his own little thing. Always went in the same way, no matter what he did to it or what haircut he got. Sirius had loved playing with it, pushing it around to get it to look wild for at least a few moments. That had been his favorite game in the whole world.

“You were so stupid and reckless, always had been. Why didn’t you look? She was right behind you and you didn’t look. You would still be here if you had looked! Why didn’t you fucking look,” he shouted in a shrill voice, quickly covering up his mouth to keep any other words from escaping. The last thing he wanted was for people to look at him and see that he was actually and truly grieving, more than he had in the past week. 

Sirius had always listened to his rants when he was honestly upset and not a man taking deep breaths to keep himself calm for the composure that most people were used to seeing him in a happy state. He’d only done it a few times, mainly when he was to his breaking point. And he was. Now he had nothing. Barely a home since he didn’t have Sirius’s money -- he knew he was going to get kicked out soon from their flat -- and no job -- no one wanted to hire one of his kind because of the war and there _was_ a war going on, meaning most people didn’t want to try to trust more than they had to. He was an idiot not to know that he was barely there.

Remus picked the rose up, hands shaking harder than they had been before he had gotten there. One by one the petals came off, spreading across the ground to create a twisted collage of bleak dirt and stark red petals. He slowly began running his fingers through the dirt, finding the cool that hid underneath. Soon the petals were completely covered in an attempt to make them easier for Sirius to find while he was down there. It pained Remus so much to be there.

His arms wrapped around his waist, fingers clutching at the fabric of his shirt desperately. Right away he doubled over to rest his head against his knees. Tears started again before they could be stopped. He breathed in and a scratching noise came out of him gasping for air yet again. It took time for him to compose himself all over again, hands sliding from his sides to rest on his bony knees. The long fingers brushed the smooth dirt.

“I don’t know if I can go home tonight. The flat is so big and empty without you. I can’t handle being alone. You always filled it with noise, either you making it yourself or playing something on that guitar you have or on the radio. It always was perfect, Sirius, no matter how much I told you to knock it off because I was trying to do something. I think I know why you made so much noise now. You couldn’t handle the quiet, could you? Why didn’t you just tell me that you couldn’t? I would have understood.”

Remus rocked from side to side, silently comforting himself in the only way he knew how to. “God, remember how you made so much noise that you almost got us kicked out?” He barked out a laugh and shook his head as a tear streaked down his damn cheek. “And how the landlord just gave you a warning when you started quoting the Beatles? Never got us in trouble again with him. Probably made friends with him because of that, right?”

The ground captured his interest once again and he noticed the tears were again showing on the dirt, as well as his trousers. Apparently that was where they dropped when he had his head was staring at the gravestone with words that were becoming more and more infuriating to him. Beloved son, brother, and friend? They were laughable, and that was what Remus began doing. His laugh was harsh and forced, soon transforming again into sobs that shook him as he simply tried to maintain some dignity in this public place. He didn’t want to be the crazy that came to a grave to cry, talk, laugh, and scream.

“I sometimes sleep with something of yours. Lily says that I should think about packing your things away and putting them in your place. I’m going to keep a few pictures though, you know, so I have something to hold on to. Maybe a shirt too. Just keep it so I have something familiar. I have a feeling that everything I’ll grab will have some of Padfoot’s hair on it,” he mumbled as a smile made the corners of his mouth go up in what was a real smile. “I hated how he always shed everywhere and you still got up on those damn couches when you were him. Still annoying, Sirius.”

Remus made himself comfortable by laying down and looking up at the blue sky that made him smile a bit wider. His head turned to look at where Sirius should be. Smile gone. “Harry’s growing fast. Already looking so much like James, more than he had before. His hair’s a mess like his. Lily already has a bit of fun messing with it, but they think that something’s going on. Dumbledore’s been visiting them so much more often now and not anything about missions. That’s enough to make anyone nervous, wouldn’t you say?”

Silence followed his question.

The single thing penetrated him, making it hard to breathe again. It penetrated the essence of the cemetery, making it clear why the place was so quiet. Silence lived to give no answers to the asker. 

“Quoth the raven, nevermore,” he muttered painfully.

Remus sat himself up at least a bit and ran his fingers through his hair. It flopped back to position right away. “I don’t have anything else to say.” The words were a whisper that got carried away with the wind. “I just want you home to hold me and say that it’s all going to be okay, that we’ll get through this no matter what. I wish that you could even hear me. Can you hear me? At all? This is going to sound childish and idiotic, but what can I lose? Give me a sign if you can hear me.”

The man waited there quietly, glancing around. Wind went through the trees, people walked past to visit their own dead loved ones. Time passed, people moved on, but he sat there silently, perked up for something that could be conveyed as Sirius trying to communicate in some way to him. He figured that if the man was a ghost, he would have come to him a long time before this.

“Nevermore.”

Remus stood up and brushed his pants off of the dirt that now covered the back of his shirt and all of his trousers. He looked at the engraving on the stone, the stem of the rose that only was there to be seen. A hand came up to feebly wave before he just lowered it because he felt stupid doing something like that. Who waved at a grave? He did now. The hand went to his side before sliding into his pockets, looking back every so often before just ducking his head down as he walked to a safe place that he could apparate in.


	2. October 1980

~October 1980~

It was the seventh, Sirius's birthday. Even though he felt he had just come to visit the grave, he had to come on this day. Every year they celebrated together so it felt like his duty to celebrate with his dead lover. Remus had a single red rose in his hand as he walked through the cemetery. He could almost smell the death and decay from the leaves that were covering the grave, originating from the tree above it. As he knelt, he used his free hand to brush them away. Lightly he traced the letters of Sirius's name before setting down the rose where he had the last time he had been there.

"It's your birthday today," he whispered to the cool air surrounding him. "You'd be turning nineteen today, if…" If he was still alive. Every day it was getting easier to function. Every now and then he would still mess up and yell out in their flat for Sirius to get the door or unload the laundry machine or even go make the coffee. Then he would remember and fall apart. People who had lost loved ones already in the war had told him that it was natural for that to happen up to two years after they passed depending on how long you were with them. Sirius had been his best friend for around eight years, and a significant other for two years of that. The fact that he was gone now, was still hitting him. "Do you remember how every year we would do a prank on you for your birthday? I still remember how it all started. James walked over to you when you were talking to that girl you liked, Anne O'Connell I believe, and he pulled your pants, as well as your boxers, down in front of the Great Hall. Remember how you paraded around without pulling it up saying that it wasn't anything new until McGonagall threatened you? That was the day that I really knew that I liked you."

First year was the time he had first discovered that he had a crush on his best friend. And over the years they had grown closer because of that crush; mostly it was because he always wanted to be around him. It didn't matter if they weren't talking or if Sirius was yelling at him, but they were together as friends should. Each time he had fallen asleep in the same bed as Sirius when they had studied late at night he had felt ecstatic. And when he woke up late in the night, which he was prone to doing, he could just stared at the boy and wished that they could be something other than just friends.

During their sixth year, they had told each other a few things. Remus had told Sirius about his situation at home; abusive father and a mother who could care less about him as long as his father wasn't doing anything to hurt her. That had been the year he had broken down crying because of the owl saying something had happened to his mother. Sirius had walked up to the boy's dorm and found the ever strong Remus crying on the floor. He had held him and comforted him. Then they kissed. From there, it took off.

"And our last year at school—you remember that?—we pulled the best prank on you. But it wasn't really a prank. It was just… fun." In his own mind he played through the events of the day like they were a record, and speaking them out loud for Sirius to hear, if he could hear wherever he was.

* * *

_1978_

_"That was a hell of a good way to wake up," Sirius said happily. "A morning blow job? That's always a good way to wake up, but especially today._

_Remus, who was lying on the bed next to him only in boxers he had probably stolen from Sirius—he loved wearing the boy's clothes because of the smell—smirked. "And why is today especially a good way to wake up like that?" He knew perfectly well why, but he always liked pretending to forget; Sirius would never let him forget._

_The boy's mouth opened in false shock while his eyes showed amusement. "How could you forget? I can't believe that I'm dating you. Any good boyfriend would remember the significant other's day of birth!" Sirius looked around the area of their closed curtains as if something was going to pop out of nowhere. That was a possibility since it was Sirius's birthday. Already James and Peter had gotten the prank together. And this year it involved Remus, who had no idea what it was yet._

_"Shush. Do you want the boy's dorm knowing that we're together? I know how you like all the ladies to think that you're completely and utterly straight while you're as curly as a piece of Bellatrix's hair." Sirius pouted at Remus and reached a hand out to grab his chin. He shook it gently before letting it drop._

_"You shush yourself. All over me," Sirius grinned at his, failed, attempt to make something sound bad, "I like knowing that girls still lust after me and my good looks. You can't deny that I don't have them Moony, because I sure do."_

_Remus smiled and crawled so he was about straddling Sirius's lap. "You do have them. And that's what makes me love you." He leaned forward to nuzzle his head against Sirius's neck._

_"I don't see how you're willing to be with me. I'm nothing, you're somebody."_

_Sirius pulled him away, holding his shoulders so he could fully look him over. "Remus John Lupin, you are the best guy that ever existed. You are not nothing, no matter how much you think you are because of the family life you have. Do you know what I love about you? Well, I love your smile; it always makes me smile because it's so contagious. I love your eyes; when I look into them I feel that I don't know exactly what you're thinking but yet I do. And I love the color of your eyes; they're like a deep chocolate color mixed with a coffee."_

_He lifted a hand up to Remus's cheek and stroked his thumb over the scarred cheek. "I love your body, even though it's skinny; I know that if you had to, you could take me on /and/ win. I love your brains; that's the thing that keeps us, mostly me, from doing stupid things that'll get me killed or expelled. And it makes a lot of the pranks we do work the way we wanted them to._

_"Lastly I love your scars. They're unique and beautiful. I know that everyone around the school wonders what they're from and how they keep showing up more and more every year. It makes me proud to know that I am one of the trusted few to know what they're from. I love how they cover most of your body. I even love that scar of a bite mark on your neck as well as the one on your upper arm. They make you who you are. I love you."_

_Remus couldn't help but feel a blush come across his cheeks. Sirius had a way with words that Remus didn't really have. "I love you too." The boy gently pulled them down so they were lying on the bed under the covers, Remus on top of Sirius. He leaned down and pressed his lips softly against Sirius's. It was soft and gentle, exactly how a kiss should be._

_Out of nowhere the curtains from around them opened, shrouding them with light. Remus made a noise and pulled away, burying himself in Sirius's chest. Sirius only tightened his arms and raised a hand to block the light. It was then that the murmuring stopped completely. The only noise was one person laughing. Remus looked out to see that they were in the middle of the Great Hall. During breakfast. /Everyone/ could see that they were together in the same bed and had kissed. And now everyone knew that Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were gay for each other._

_Sirius cleared his throat and sat up, pulling Remus up as well. "Hello," he said brightly to the people who were staring at them. "Nice prank Prongs, I congratulate you." Remus could feel himself shrinking into Sirius. The boy put his arm around him and pulled a blanket to wrap around them as they stood from the bed to sit at the Gryffindor table._

* * *

Remus finished the story and looked at the grave. When he looked back on it, no one had truly looked surprised to find out that the two Marauders were together. Maybe they had dropped hints about it too much. It didn't matter anymore. He closed his eyes and tried to hold those tears back. "That was the best prank that James had come up with by himself," he whispered in a thick voice. "We never did get him back for it as I remember. I told him we would, but I never did. I think that he still thinks I'll get him back." He laughed softly as he wiped his eyes off with his thumb.

For a long time he stayed silent. The only sounds he heard was the wind blowing through the trees, which knocked off the leaves that were left on the trees. Off in the distance he could hear a funeral going on; there was someone crying loudly. At Sirius's funeral he had cried, but softly. Only when you looked at him, you could see that he was. That had been the worst day of his life. Peter had stood in the back, Lily was next to him with her hand on his shoulder to comfort him, and James had been behind her, holding her hand.

"James and Lily got married," he finally said in a voice that was barely above a whisper. "It was lovely. James couldn't choose a best man because it would have been you. I was the maid of honor, and no, I didn't wear a dress. It was a quiet wedding because of the war, but most of the Order was there. I sat off to the side mostly because I couldn't bring myself to do anything." It had felt wrong being there without Sirius, which was why he had kept to himself.

The whole time he had been there he had imagined what it had been like if Sirius had been there. Sirius would have pulled him out to dance even though he knew that Remus hated dancing with a passion. It would have been a slow song. He would have been held close as they swayed to the beat. "Dumbledore put me on a mission to break into the werewolf society on You-Know-Who's ranks. I won't be able to come by as much."

He leaned down and pressed his lips over Sirius's name in the carved stone. "I love you." Remus looked down at the grave one more time before standing up. Once again he had to turn and walk away from the grave, going home to his empty apartment.


	3. October 1981

It had been over a year since he had visited the grave. He had been sucked into the work so much to save his own sanity from staying alone in their old apartment. He still hadn't gotten used to the fact that Sirius just wasn't going to come back. Ever. It wasn't like they had broken up or something silly like that, but he had died. It hurt when he realized it because he hadn't gotten a real chance to mourn over Sirius's death. There was so much more for him to mourn now.

Remus made his way into the cemetery. Outside there were children running around and playing about in their costumes. It was October 31, 1981. At that moment it was about eleven o'clock at night and he had just heard the news. In his trembling hands was a rose that was beginning to wilt from how tightly he was gripping it. All he was wearing were pyjama bottoms because he had been roused out of sleep by a member of the Order.

"I'm sorry," they had said, "But James and Lily Potter, as well as a Peter Pettigrew, has been killed tonight. We are very sorry for your loss. Celebrate for You-Know-Who has been destroyed by their child. Their legacy will live on."

How could /anyone/ rejoice when the cost had been the last of his friends? Yes, the war was over but so was everything else. Sirius, James, Lily, and Peter were all killed. He was the last Marauder left. All his friends and people he considered family were gone from him forever. There would be no more holidays together or full moons spent watching after him. With James and Lily dead it felt like family had died.

"I hope you're happy now," he said in the low and dangerous voice he used when he was extremely upset. "You took them away. Now you have your friends up there with you wherever the hell you are. How could you Sirius? Why did you? Couldn't you have left me with at least one bit of happiness in my life?" He pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried not to yell anymore than he already had. There had been no chance for him to really accept that his friends had been killed and that, just like Sirius, they would never return.

"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you Sirius. I know that James was your best friend but do you still think of yourself?" Remus angrily threw the rose down on the grave. A few of the petals fell off and scattered around it. He stood there, staring at the grave. What more could he say to the boy who had been the object of his desires for so long now? He was blaming him for something no one could have controlled. All at once he felt like an idiot; a hurt, devastated, idiot. Remus bit down on his bottom lip as he stood there, staring down at the grave. The noise of children in the background was fading away to nothing more than the breeze going through the air.

His arms crossed across his scarred chest. It all was beginning to come down on him. There would be no more late night talking with Sirius or James, there would be no more chatting about how things were going in life, and there would be no more visiting to see Harry. There was nothing more. And he was going to have to get a move on with his life. Closing his eyes he breathed in and out heavily, unshed tears stinging his eyes. One single tear slipped out and made tracks down his cheek, going to rest on his chin to drip on the cold earth.

Eyes still closed, Remus knelt on the ground and put a hand on the cool ground. "One day I'll be in heaven, Sirius. And when that day comes I'll never have to say good-bye to you. Today I do. Sirius, no matter how mad I've ever got at you, I've never once stopped loving you. From the first day I saw you with your black hair that hung down in wavy curls to your chin and with those eyes that seemed to see everything and nothing at the same time, I fell for you.

"When I look back I still see that boy who made me want to get to know, even though it was completely dangerous. I want you to know that I will always love you, no matter how old I get. I still remember all the times I got mad over things that you said or did but I never acted on them because I was afraid to lose you. You were one of my best friends. I always wanted you because you were something I couldn't have. Thank you for being there for me when I needed it. I'll never forget you."

"I needed your love, hell I still need it. I love you. I love you. Please never forget it even if I don't come around as often." He broke out to let out a soft noise that sounded like a cry. Remus put his hand on the cold stone in front of him. "I already miss you, Sirius." Tears were freely making their way down his face. The mixed together in their tracks, but all met together at one common place where they dripped to the ground or his now dirty pyjama pants. He put his hands on the ground where he gripped the dirt tightly, tears flowing faster now. At least it was Halloween where it would be normal to see someone at a grave.

Shakily he reached one dirt covered hand out to touch the stone. This would be all that was going to be left of his friends. All in one night he had lost everything tying him to this world. "All they could find of Peter was a finger. Everything else was go-gone. They found James laying face up in their house, just staring up at the ceiling. Lily was on the ground in front of Harry's crib. She could have lived Sirius. But she gave her life up for Harry."

He closed his eyes tightly so the tears had to try to squeeze themselves out of his eyes. He didn't understand any of this anymore. How could someone feel this hurt over something like this? Sirius was the main cause of his grief to that very day. He couldn't control how he felt like someone was watching him when he was all alone. "Do you watch me Sirius? Can you even see me wherever you are? Do you know how much I think about you? I-if you do… remember that I love you. I know I sound like a broken record but I really do love you. I never had the chance to say it enough."

Remus leaned down to press his lips against the stone as he seemed to do every time he came to the grave. "Always remember that I love you," he whispered before standing up. 

"And if James, Lily, or Peter are up there tell them that I'll never forget them as long as I live." With a lasting look at the grave he walked away the way he had come, feeling just as broken as he had before.


	4. Christmas 1993

Snow was falling gracefully to the ground, coating the cemetery in a white powdery mess. No one was outside in it because of the cold. It was early Christmas morning. No one in their right mind would be out in this weather. They would be fast asleep in their bed where it was cozy and safe. Everyone seemed to be home except one person who was slowly trudging their way in a direction that they seemed to know by heart. That person held something in their hand that seemed impervious to the cold or even to the snow as well as a small wrapped up gift in the other. The snow, however, was covering his hair and shoulders as well as sticking to his shabby clothes.

The man knelt and pulled something out of his pocket. It looked like a stick. With a muttering under his breath the snow cleared away from the ground and the headstone. He put the wand in his pocket then set down the simple rose where he had all those years ago. With a look of longing in his eyes he put a hand on the stone, a finger tracing the name on the grave. Sirius Orion Black. In his eyes there was that deep longing of something that had been suppressed for so long. He smiled a bit as he simply let himself revel in the moment. He looked rather old for his real age in his facial features because of the marks that littered his skin.

"It's Christmas," Remus finally said. Even his voice made him sound older and wiser. Maybe it was because of the life he had gone through. "It's been over twelve years since I last saw you. Coming now just felt right because everything's stable now. I have a job and a place to live up until summer holidays come up. I can't complain about anything because I'm finally doing something that I want to do. Yes, I'm teaching up at Hogwarts." He put a hand on the frozen earth. It was almost as if he could feel Sirius there.

He let himself fall into silence as he stayed there, simply just touching the dirt. It had been too long since he had been able to do this. Taking a deep breath in and out he continued. "As I was saying, it's Christmas. I still remember how it was always your second favorite holiday, first being Halloween. I never really liked Christmas because of how cold it would be." With a simple smile on his face the memory of their last Christmas together came to him.

* * *

_1979_

_"No, Sirius! I do not want to go outside!" Remus turned around to glare at Sirius before going back to the laundry he was folding. Each shirt he folded was slammed on the bed in a separate pile, designating what belonged to whom. Since Remus did the laundry he could choose what of Sirius's clothes he wanted._

_"Moooonnnnnyyyy, please? For me? I want to play out in the snow." Sirius put arms around Remus's waist, pulling him close. "I don't want to look stupid playing in it by myself." The man put his chin on Remus's shoulder._

_"You already look stupid enough."_

_"That hurt. That really hurt." Sirius turned and raised a fist, making Remus flinch as if expecting something, and stabbed himself in the heart in a mock Juliet way._

_"Stop being overly dramatic; you have no idea how childish it makes you look Padfoot. Now, let me finish folding your laundry. I'll make you some hot chocolate if you go outside by yourself." Sirius was pouting at him, still holding him close even though Remus had crossed his arms across his chest._

_"Please?"_

_"No."_

_"Please, please?"_

_"No and no."_

_"Please? I'll treat you if you do." Sirius let his hands drift down to rest on Remus's bum lightly._

_"Come on. I'll make it worth your while. Just this once. I really want to play outside with you." He had to tell that Remus was starting to give in._

_"Fine—but just this once. I'm not going to do this every year with you." Sirius grinned and pecked Remus's lips before letting him go so they could both get ready._

_Winter was upon them. It really became known to Remus when he had to start pulling on all these layers just so he would be able to keep warm. He'd always been a bit sicklier than most kids when he had been younger, but that had been brought out more when he had become infected with his condition as well as the torture his parents had put him through. He hadn't come from a very loving family. For the final touches, Remus shoved a hat over his head and put gloves on then a thick pair of mittens. He looked like an Eskimo, which wasn't very attractive for him._

_He walked out to see Sirius standing there with a lean winter jacket that brought out his muscles and how well he looked in anything. "Aren't you going to freeze?" That was when Sirius looked up at him, a grin slowly spreading across his face._

_"You look like you're going out in a blizzard, Moony! It's just a bit of snow. You're not going to get sick." Sirius walked to Remus, reaching his hands out. He gently pulled off the layers until there was a simple jacket, a pair of gloves, and a hat. "There; now you look normal. I won't let you get a cold since you're the one who does the cooking and cleaning around here. I think I'd die if you got sick, mostly because of lack of food."_

_"Glad to know what I'm good for, Sirius."_

_"I was joking, Remy! I'm sorry. Forgive me?" Sirius pouted in that way that showed his personality so well. It was that face that Remus just had to kiss. He leaned in and pressed his lips gently against Sirius's._

_"This better be a damn good reward for going out here," he whispered._

_"It will be." Sirius grabbed Remus's hand and pulled him out of their apartment to go down the stairs and out the door to the bustling streets of London. The man continued to pull him along until they got to Hyde Park, which was in the midst of its Winter Wonderland festivities. Since it was Christmas there were many people out there with their families, playing in the snow and enjoying the games. The snow that was falling at a slow rate was sticking to everything. "See? I told you it'd be good. I won't make you ride any rides, though, since I know that you don't feel comfortable getting on them. How about we find a place where we can just… talk."_

_Talk. That was their code word for doing something a bit more than talking. Remus smiled and actually nodded his head. "Alright, alright; I think I can condone this activity, especially since I'm going to be involved in it." As the coldness set into his bones he sidled on closer to Sirius, who was still holding his hand to pull him along._

_"Who says you're going to be involved? What if you were just watching? What would you do then?" Sirius looked over at him and kissed Remus's cheek. "I'm just playing. I wouldn't be able to leave you out. Besides I've always wanted to do a three-some; I think it would be entertaining to see what shenanigans can go on with three people having sex at once and not just two."_

_"Of course you would think that, Sirius. It is, after all, you."_

_"You have that right; I am me."_

_"Stop taking things so literally."_

_Sirius huffed, and the silence engulfed them. As usual it was comfortable feeling for everyone involved. They walked in the silence, listening to the people screaming and shouting around them from having fun around the icy cold of the weather surrounding the inhabitants of London. The further they walked, the louder the voices got. Soon enough they were in the heart of the fair going on around them. Sirius pulled him along, forcing him to go on rides._

_And Remus had fun, real fun, while out in the snow. It had to have been years since that happened last. What felt like minutes later, but was actually hours, the boy pulled him in a direction away from everyone else. It wasn't too long that they were away, the voices a murmur in the distance. Sirius stopped them, leaning over to press his lips against Remus's. They kissed over and over, not letting anything linger for very long._

_"Sirius, I love you," Remus whispered, as they stood there with their foreheads pressed together._

_"I love you too, my Moony."_

* * *

"That had to be the best Christmas of my life. And I'm not lying, Sirius. But this is a second close." The snow had covered up the name on the grave, but Remus didn't even bother to wipe it away. "As I was saying, I'm working up at Hogwarts now. I'm the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher now. Something odd's going on, though. I…I don't think Peter's dead. I think he could be alive. I dunno though." He ran a hand through his hair, successfully getting more snow than needed on it. While he stared at the snow-covered headstone he sighed. The snow was bothering him. With nimble fingers he brushed off the powder just to see that name all over again; Sirius Orion Black.

The boy he had fallen for so many years ago had been named after two stars. He had noticed that many people in the Black family tree named their children so that in some way they related back to the Greeks and Romans. Remus took his hand back to rest on one of his knees.

"I met him. Harry, I mean. I met James and Lily's son. Merlin, Sirius, he's wonderful. He has the trickster and pranking streak that James had paired with the compassion that Lily had. And he still looks just like James; same black hair that's always messy, the slender body, and the need of glasses. But he has Lily's eyes, those perfect green eyes that show the kindness in him. He's also on the Quidditch team; according to McGonagall, who likes to brag about him, he's been on the team since he was in his first year."

Remus couldn't help but beam with pride. It felt like Harry was his own kid because he had been there, out in the waiting room at least, when the boy was born. He remembered standing there waiting to find out what it was that Lily was having. It was a miracle when a nurse had come out to get James and saying it was a healthy little boy. "He's thirteen now. Last year he defeated Tom Riddle and the year before that took on He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I've listened enough when the teachers talk about him. He had no idea about any of us, or that his parents even had friends."

"Muggles have been, and still are, raising him. I wish that things could have been different. If you were alive, Harry would have gone to you. And we would be taking care of him. Like a family." Remus knew better than to dwell on those shattered hopes. He had no family; it was just himself like the way he liked it. He couldn't see it in any other way than that.

A cold chill washed over him. It was time for him to get going. He felt that it was just too soon to leave; twelve years of never going, but always remembering, had taken a toll on him. If he could help it, he would go back as often as he could. As long as nothing interfered he would come just to say hello and talk about his day, even when it was uneventful and boring.

Now, as he had done the last time he had been to the grave, he leaned down and pressed his lips against the stone lightly. When he pulled away after that brief second he sighed. "I love you." Remus smiled as he stood, brushing the snow off of himself, and walked away from the scene of a single rose on top of a grave.


	5. July 1996

It had been years since Remus had last come and visited the grave of his old lover. Only three, but it felt like a lifetime. Since he had last been there so many things had happened; he found that Peter was still alive, Voldemort had returned and almost killed Harry, Voldemort had broken into the Ministry of Magic in search of a prophecy, and now they were in a war. All that in three years. It felt like it had been at the beginning of the First Wizarding War. But this time, there was something new going on in his life. And he had to tell Sirius now.

Remus followed the path with a red rose in hand. He was wearing a suit, a nice one at that, and shoes that looked new. He squatted down, trying to be careful not to ruin it. It was about ten in the morning. "Hello, Sirius," he whispered. As usual he traced the name and set down the rose. He smiled a bit. "It's been about three or four years since I came here last. Since then I quit my job at Hogwarts and I'm now working with the Order to get werewolves on our side. There's another war brewing. I promise I'll be careful and not get myself killed." A wider smile was on his face now.

"I don't know how much I'm going to be able to come and visit you now that the war's going on and that I'm…. I'll explain more of that later." Remus looked at the earth and closed his eyes. If he concentrated hard enough he could still smell the aftershave Sirius always used or hear his laugh when Remus had either done something stupid or something that Sirius loved him to do. A tear slipped out and a pang of sadness went through him. Rather quickly he wiped it away as he always did.

Silence overtook the cemetery. It was summer, but there was no one out there. Wizards and Muggles alike knew things were stirring about. The Muggles had no idea there was a war going on around them to protect them as well as the people in jeopardy on the Wizarding side. Remus knew that he was fighting for his fallen friends. Already there had been great losses on both sides. Many brilliant witches and wizards were dying each day from fighting for what they stand for. It scared him knowing that many of them were just seventeen. Some were younger than that.

And one of them was Harry Potter. At that moment they were planning on how to get him free. Remus knew the boy was going to go and fight in the battle along with his two friends Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley. It was truly just like the Marauder's fates all over again. That, admittedly, scared him; three more brilliant wizarding youth could be lost. He knew the fate of the word rested on Harry's shoulders. If only he would let the Order help with that so he wouldn't be all alone. But, just as James was, the boy was stubborn. Harry would fight alongside the adults who were seniors in the battles.

"Harry's going to be fighting; him and his friends. We're back at fighting yet again. The Weasley's have so many more now. There are so many more people fighting. But there are even more on You-Know-Who's side. We have about as much of a chance as we did when we were fighting the first time. I'm afraid, Sirius. I'm afraid that something's going to happen. Mostly I'm afraid something's going to happen to Tonks," he whispered, saying his thoughts out loud.

Oh, Tonks. In a few hours everything really would change for him. His life would be rearranged from how he knew it. The small flat that he lived in half of the time would become a home to someone else. It was almost too much for even him to think about. Was he even ready for this? Wasn't it the woman to get cold feet? He had always been the woman role of the relationship when it had been him and Sirius. He sighed quietly. There was so much for him to consider even though it was already happening and set into motion. Remus knew it was too late to go back, even though he would never consider going back on his word now.

The reason he was there was to say a last goodbye. Tonks knew about his past with Sirius, who was her cousin, so she understood how he felt. She was very open and understanding. She was too good for him, which was something they argued over a lot of the time. They would fight over that for a long time if they had it his way, but she won at last because he gave up on fighting this pointless battle. Maybe the reason he had fallen so hard for her was because she was like a younger version of Sirius. Tonks was outgoing, loud, funny, and loyal, extremely loyal. She was maybe a bit clumsy, but that's what made her endearing to him.

"I'm getting married today," he finally said. "Yeah, the guy who was voted most likely to not get married ever is getting married. And no, it's not to another bloke. I always thought I would be with a bloke, but it's not. It's to your cousin, Nymphadora Tonks. She's about ten years younger than me. Andromeda's daughter; I know that you have to know her, or at least know her name." Remus could feel the butterflies in his stomach as he spoke about her.

Was this how he had felt all those years ago when he had thought, let alone speak, about Sirius? He could barely remember it because it had been just so long ago. All he knew was that he missed feeling it towards someone. Tonks was around now and he knew she loved him with all of her heart, even though she shouldn't love a monster like him. Against everything he said, she loved him and he loved her too. Now he saw that it was all worth it for her.

"You'd like her. She's so nice, Sirius. I'm sure that she'd like you too. I think I love her, Sirius. I know that I told you that I really didn't believe in love, but I think I do. All I know is that I loved you when you were alive and that I love her right here and now. Hell, I still love you Sirius." In a heartbeat he would run into that man's arms if he had a chance. "I really do have to let go now. Of you I mean; I have to let go of you Sirius. I did say that I was going to about—what?—sixteen or seventeen years now. I just couldn't do it."

With his always light fingers he traced the name. These days he traced the outline of Tonks's face while she was sleeping or the curves of her body when he was holding her with the same fingers. She was perfect to him. There was nothing he would change about her. The favorite part of her was her hair and how it could change on a whim. When she was upset there was no control over it whatsoever, making it flash to different colors at rapid rates that he didn't even try to follow. The only other time was when they were making love. It always fascinated him at how it changed with how close she was to having an orgasm.

On the subject of love-making, it always felt that they were making love. Not just having sex or fucking, being put in the crudest of terms, but actually making love. There was that spark between them every time that it happened. He had the feeling that he would never tire of feeling that way. Remus slowly dropped his hand to the dirt. "I love you, Sirius. And I will see you one day; not today, especially on my wedding day. I'll come by when I can to keep you posted on how the war's going. I'll keep safe the best that I can. I'll keep you in my thoughts as I always do. Tell James and Lily, if you can, that I'm finally getting hitched."

Remus couldn't help but grin. He was getting married. He, Remus John Lupin, was getting married to a brilliant girl who was probably half his age. He knew that if Sirius was around still he'd be making fun of him or they'd still be together and not him getting married. Either way he saw it, it would be a good life. "I'll try to come around as often as I can. No promises though. Wish me luck, Sirius. Try to put some pull in up there that I don't screw any of this up, because I'm sure that I can screw it up in a very quick manner."

He closed his eyes and continued to just smile. It was the first time in ages he had really had a chance, or reason, to smile as much as he was at that moment. In his years he had seen marriage go wrong. His parents weren't the best people to throw together but they tried to make it work, even when his father was drunk or when his mother was in the hospital for harming herself. Thanks to those experiences he was going to make sure that this marriage, his own marriage, wasn't going to end up like that. It scared him how much he wanted this to keep going.

Despite all that he still hungered for Sirius's touch. And he needed that boy's love. Remus took a deep breath in and out. Still in that squat position he leaned forward until his lips barely brushed against the cold stone. It was all he had left of the boy; a grave and memories. The memories were starting to fade away the older he got. Remus knew that one day he would only faintly remember those feelings he had for the boy who had held his affection for over half of his life. "Good-bye," he breathed out.

Taking another deep breath in and out he stood up, brushing himself off of whatever dirt he had gotten on himself. As he turned to walk away the rose stood out against the bleak darkness that surrounded the graveyard. It was the one beacon of life. The rose was dying yet fighting so hard to live, and that was really how life worked. Every day you fought to survive until you just give up and can't do it anymore. Remus smiled a little at the thought. He looked up at the sky, knowing, and hoping, that Sirius was cheering him on as he did the biggest thing he could ever do.


	6. April 1996

Excitement was the one thing that was filling Remus Lupin up. This usually didn't happen to people like him. Around him there was a war raging on, but it didn't matter. Death Eaters or Dementors alike wouldn't be able to touch him because of all the happiness that was spilling out of him. A grin was on his face that showed just how happy he was. In his hand there was a bottle of firewhiskey along with a rose. He had never been one to drink except on special occasions. When at that grave he sat down, not caring that there was a bit of mud that was still drying. He was beyond the point of caring.

"Sirius, you'll never bloody believe it!" Remus put down the rose where he always did. "I can't believe it myself. I'm not dead, yet, and neither is Tonks. I think that's pretty bloody brilliant, don't you think?" He put the bottle to his lips, taking a long gulp from it. The liquid burned down his throat to leave a pit of warmth in his stomach. He could sense the Dementors that were swarming the cemetery, looking for someone to feed from. Nothing could touch him. He set the bottle on the ground. The bitter liquid sloshed over the sides and thudded to the ground. "I don't think that I bloody believe it!"

Nine months ago, in August, had been where it all started. He couldn't even believe that it had been nine months. Remus and Tonks were two months away from a year of marriage. That also marked that it was getting close to a second year in this war that was as uncontrollable as the first. This time they were going to lose, though. Their numbers were depleting fast while the Death Eaters were rising. The Death Eaters also had control over the Ministry. There was nothing that could be done except wait until Harry Potter, who was off fighting with his friends, did something drastic as always, died, or gave up. Dumbledore had put all his faith in the boy so Remus was going to do the same. There was no hope left.

All Remus had left was his family since he didn't know if his friends were still alive. He only knew that he had Tonks left… as well as Teddy. That little boy was the reason he was sitting out there to talk to Sirius. Tonks had given birth hours ago to a healthy little boy. His little boy. His baby. "Sirius… you won't believe it. Tonks and I had a kid. Yes, and I am the one who impregnated her. It's a bloody miracle. I don't know what's going to happen to him. What if I die? What if Tonks dies? Merlin… I need to stop thinking about it don't I? I need to celebrate."

Remus took another long swig out of his bottle. His mind spun around to no end for a few long moments. "Isn't it sad that I'm celebrating at a graveyard right on top of the grave of my old lover about my wife having a child?" He laughed loudly for a few moments before looking down at the dirt. "I'm a Daddy, Sirius," he whispered. Lightly he made swirls in the dirt with his fingers. "I hope I get to live long enough to hear those words come from his lips and not mine."

There was so little of a chance he was going to hear it, that it was scary. Remus didn't understand how the Weasley's had done it; by the time the war had ended they had six children, one getting ready for school and one barely one year old. That was what made the Weasley family amazing in his eyes. They persevered through everything and kept all together despite all the deaths around them. Now that was something to admire in his eyes.

"Do you remember how in our seventh year that James gave us that puppy? And he said that it was our child and if we broke up it would have to go between us like a kid of people who were divorced? I can't even remember what he named it. Bamboozle? No. Barnaby? Yes! Barnaby. Barnaby Lupin-Black. Merlin… I remember staring at it and wondering what the hell we were going to do with it. In my head I promised myself I wouldn't break up with you because I knew that James would make sure it would pass between us." The memory made him smile widely as if it had just happened a few moments ago. But now all his friends were gone. There had been news that Peter had been killed at the Malfoy Manor; strangled to death by the hand You-Know-Who had given him.

"When you died I gave the dog away. I couldn't have it around me anymore. I still remember what it looked like, but I just couldn't keep it around. There are pictures of it alone and it with me and you still. Tonks likes to look at them." Remus looked down and smiled to himself. Maybe he should have kept the dog around, just for company over those years of trying to make ends meet. "Now I have something better than a puppy. It's called an actual child. It feels so good to say that. I don't think that you have a clue at it."

He took a drink out of the bottle before looking at the grave. Without thinking he poured some on the grave as well. Sirius had always liked firewhiskey for some odd reason. He and James had gotten drunk off of it too many times to count, many of the times right before James asked out Lily for the umpteenth time. Remus set down the bottle off to the side of the gravestone and stood up. "I had a baby!" His yell echoed through the empty graveyard. "Theodore Remus Lupin," he said in a softer tone than before. It felt as if he would say the name any louder, it would just disappear as if it was another casualty of the war. That wouldn't, no, couldn't, happen to his little Teddy; he wouldn't let it happen.

"I can't bloody believe it!" The drink was making him feel like everything was right in the world. Remus spun around for a few moments as if he was a teenager again before sitting down on the grave. "I wish you were here, just so you could see him. Wait… I think I might have a picture." He held up a finger as if to tell Sirius to hang on for a moment while he fumbled around in his pocket. After a few moments he came out with a picture of a little boy with black hair. "He was born like this," he explained quickly, "But within the hour it had turned ginger. I think he's going to be a Metamorphmagi just like his mother. He was also born with brown eyes but they shifted a bit to hazel as well."

All Remus knew was that his son was going to be brilliant no matter what. Even if he somehow got the werewolf gene from him, it would be okay. As his job as a father he would protect his little boy. The urge to go back to his wife's side at her parent's home was almost overwhelming. But he had to finish going around telling all the remaining Order members about the happy news that would be sure to brighten lives up at least for a few moments. He closed his eyes with that goofy smile on his face from a combination of the drink and pure happiness. While his eyes were closed a few drops started falling from the heavens above. Just a few moments later rain was pouring down.

Remus got soaked almost immediately. Without meaning to he recalled memories of him and Sirius playing outside in the rain, splashing each other, running around, and, most of all, kissing. He could almost remember how it felt to have their bodies pressed together with their shirts sticking to their bodies as well as the other shirt. In his mind's eye he could remember how it felt to wrap his arms around Sirius's waist to pull himself closer to the boy. Their hearts thumping together, beating as one in a fast rhythm. Sirius was the reason he loved rain; he always had been and always would be. Easily he remembered their sixth year, on the day they first really kissed after their accident.

* * *

_1977_

_It springtime and that meant rain. Remus wasn't too big a fan of rain, so he usually stayed in the library to read up on things he didn't really need to. And that's what he was doing now on this rainy March day. It was getting close to his birthday and he was sure that the rest of the Marauders had forgotten about it… again. Not that he cared too much. Presents weren't on the top of his list. In the chair he was sitting on, he curled his legs closer to himself which tucked his book closer. Mostly he was avoiding Sirius and he knew that the library was the best place to do that. But he had been wrong._

_"Moony! Where are you?" The loud voice called him out. Madame Pince started shushing at once as Sirius wandered through, looking for his friend. "I'm not leaving until you show yourself." Remus hoped that he wouldn't find him. "Ah, there you are! Get up. I'm taking you somewhere."_

_"Sirius… no; go away so I can read."_

_"No! Now you get up or I'll… I'll do something."_

_Remus rolled his eyes and looked back down at his book. Sirius wouldn't do anything as long as he didn't want to get in even more trouble. Another time he was wrong. The book in his hands was ripped from his grasp and slammed on the table next to him. He winced involuntarily. "You're going with me." Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus's small waist and lifted him with a grunt, and then put him over his shoulder._

_"SIRIUS!" A few more words he wasn't going to repeat slipped out. They were on the move. Sirius moved purposefully through the halls without skipping a beat. Remus knew there was no use in this; he was going where Sirius wanted him to go. After what felt like hours, Sirius put him down. They were in the rain and Remus was getting soaked quickly._

_"There. You're where I wanted you to go." A triumphant grin was on Sirius's face which made Remus shove the boy roughly._

_"You arse! I was sitting somewhere and reading. I didn't want to go outside. Do you know any bloody respect?" His now soaked sandy brown hair flopped down in his face. Light fingers, that weren't his, brushed it out of his eyes. Now he was standing face to face with Sirius. They were just inches away. Remus could feel his heart beating faster. It was kissing distance. The last time, or first time, they had kissed had been when Sirius had caught him  
crying over news of his mother's sudden death._

_"Remus, I just wanted to spend time with you." The voice called him from his thoughts. "I just wanted to talk with you." Sirius lifted a hand and placed it on Remus's cheek. It was so light that it felt as if it was just a ghost touching him. From there it seemed so easy; Sirius leaned in and pressed his lips lightly against Remus's. And it was just as easy to give in and kiss him back. Soon enough he had wrapped his arms around Sirius's neck to hold him a bit closer. Arms had wrapped around his waist. Their bodies were close together. The rain was forgotten even though it was still making itself known._

* * *

When Remus opened his eyes again he saw that the rain was still coming down on him. He bit down on his bottom lip. There was a tear that had tracked down on his cheek and mixed with the rain on his face. There was no point in wiping it away. "I'll come around as soon as I can to tell you about Teddy." The jubilance that had been there just moments before was gone. He smiled faintly before standing and walking away.


	7. May 1997

Deserted; that's what the cemetery felt like. There was nothing there whatsoever. No people, no animals, and no magic. It was truly deserted. Remus had to go here, if something happened. He wanted someone to know something. He walked slowly, purposefully, towards the grave of Sirius Black. As usual there was a red rose in his hand. It wasn't being clenched as it would have if he was nervous or afraid. He knew what he was doing and what might happen to him tonight. When he reached the grave, he set the rose down lightly and then sat himself down on top of it.

For a moment his eyes closed. The only thing that could be heard was him breathing in and out deeply. What could he say? He had no idea at all. This could be his last time reminiscing on things. "What did you always say to me when you were about to go off on a mission," he asked, opening his eyes slowly to stare at the headstone. "Wasn't it something like, 'I love you, Moony. And since I love you, nothing will happen because I love you that much.' Yeah… that was it. And I'd always tell you to shove off and be serious for once. Then you would say that you were Sirius." It sounded exactly like something Sirius would have said or done. Again he fell into silence.

The end was near; he could smell it in the air, he could hear it in the whisper of the wind running through the leaves, he could feel it on the warmth of his breath. It wasn't the end of the wizarding world, but his own end. Never before had he thought he was this close to anything as he was to this. Many times he had felt Death's cool hand brush his shoulder right before a mission. To him it was like a sign, a warning, of take care or I might be seeing you soon. But never had he felt Death looming over his shoulder as if he was waiting to take another soul on to the other side. All he could pray for was that it wouldn't come at all or it would be quick and painless.

Tonks was at her parent's house with Teddy. Hopefully she would stay there and not try to fight. It wasn't good if both of them died tonight just because of her not being able to follow his orders. For once in her life she needed to learn how to listen when it mattered. He could picture her in his mind's eye. Her hair was that purple color that he always loved her to wear, her eyes as dark as the night sky, and a radiant smile on her face that lit up a whole room without even trying. A close second appearance was when she was asleep and he was awake; her hair reverted back to the brown colored hair she had been born with and she looked so peaceful, like nothing in the world was on her shoulders at all.

Then there was Teddy. There was a good chance that he would never get to actually know his father. As long as Tonks was alive, she would be able to tell the boy all about his father that gave his life to fight for their freedom. Teddy was Metamorphmagus after all; he loved to change his hair depending on his mood. It was rare that he would change his eye color to match, so usually it was a brown about the same shade of Remus's. Teddy's hair, when happy, rested at a teal color. It was bright just as Tonks's was. The little boy was completely and utterly perfect. Nothing of Remus's disease had passed to the boy, which was very lucky. But their luck was dying tonight for there was a battle, possibly the last battle, at Hogwarts.

To die in battle protecting someone you loved seemed to be the best way to go. So many people had died that way because everyone was trying to protect someone. Whether that was their wife, husband, sister, brother, lover, or friend they were fighting for someone they cared about. That's how James and Lily had gone; the two of them had died for their Harry, who was now organizing a battle to buy himself time to defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. They would be proud for their little boy. He had been so very strong in something that should still be over his head. Sirius had died that way as well; he was fighting to make life better for them as a couple.

Remus lifted a finger to the stone in front of him. It was a comfort to him to reach out and touch something that was Sirius's, even though the man never touched it. "Right now a battle's starting at Hogwarts. For all we know it could be the last battle that we have in this war if Harry finds a way to end it all. I think I might die tonight, Sirius. I can feel it all around me; in the air, the trees are whispering it to me. Everything in me is saying that there is a large chance that by the end of the night I'm going to be up there with you, James, Lily, and Peter. Is Peter even up there or is he being punished for the things that he did?"

He breathed out heavily. The fears of dying were finally getting to him. "Does it hurt Sirius? I mean, dying—does it hurt? Can you feel the breath sucked out of you and the ground as you fall? Or are you dead before you even get there? Did you have enough time to realize what you were leaving behind?" There would be time for him to think about that in the afterlife… if he went there. He bit on his bottom lip; that was a nervous habit he had since the beginning of his life. /"Remus John Lupin stop that! I don't want the lips that I kiss to have rough patches!"/ He could hear Sirius saying that to him all those years ago. It was easy to remember how Sirius would next pull the lip out of his teeth's grip and then suck on it.  
Somehow that action calmed him down. Sirius could always calm him down.

Remus smiled a bit as he sat there. A hand had lifted up to his lip. Fear was washing over him, yet not doing too much. He knew that Sirius was going to be up there waiting for him to arrive. That smiling face would be waiting for him. He could imagine that Sirius would be making all these jokes over this morbid occasion. That was exactly how he wanted it to be. No crying allowed over something that would have happened eventually. It just decided to happen at thirty-seven.

The one thing he was going to miss in life, if he died that was, was seeing his son grow up. From what he had talked about with Mr. Weasley, there was apparently no greater feeling than to watch your little boy start off as a baby who can't do a thing then go all the way up to where they're functioning without any help from you. Remus knew there was going to be no way for him to witness that. If he were to die the next he could see him would be when he had lived a good and long life, then passed away without any violence.

Something to be gained was Sirius. They would be able to hold each other, kiss, and just talk like they used to if he died. Hadn't that been what he had wanted for so many years? He couldn't mask it anymore that even when he had married Tonks, all he had wanted was Sirius. Yes, he loved Tonks but it wasn't the same as Sirius. Sirius had been his first love, and probably would have been his last if the boy hadn't died. Tonks was just a filler in the space of the hole that had been punctured in his heart long before she came into the scene.

/"I'm just going to be gone for a couple of days. Just a silly little mission taking me away. I'll be back in no time; you won't even know I'm gone."/ Sirius had said that to him two days before he'd been killed. No time had turned into almost eighteen years. And those eighteen years could be ended all by one single quick spell if someone chose to create it. Remus looked down at the grave and shook his head a bit as if to clear his thoughts. What he needed was Sirius's voice in his ear and the strong arms around him. "If I come and see you tonight remember… remember that I always loved you. Even when I was marrying Tonks, I loved you. I never stopped because it killed me when I thought about trying to stop."

Remus lowered his face down to the cool stone to press a kiss against it. "I love you, I love you, and I love you. I don't think I ever said it enough when you were alive. And I still regret that I never bought you a single rose too. I hate that I always wish that bringing a rose when I come here would make it up to you even though I know that it never will. At least now I'll never have to say goodbye to you." He smiled a little and pecked the stone before lifting his face back up. "I might see you in a couple of hours, so be waiting for me up at those pearly white gates if they're actually there."

After planting one last kiss, he stood up and brushed himself off. With eyes focused on the name of his lover, he disapparated to the battle where he would meet his fate. And, eventually, see Sirius once again.


End file.
